The Akatsuki Chronicles
by TheShamanMaster
Summary: Collection of Akatsuki Drabbles. All involving Zetsu, Deidara, Sasori, Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Tobi and The Leader! Chapter 5 up!
1. Part I

**The Akatsuki Chronicles Part I: Deidara The Emo**  
Rating: Teen/PG-13: Moderate Language, Humour

Authors Note: Just in case you ain't sure, Sasori has red hair, and Deidara has blonde hair. They are the official colors. Oh, and Tobi has brown hair, and a mask on his face if you haven't read the Manga.

Characters Involved: Deidara, Sasori, and Tobi

_All Characters of Akatsuki belong to the one and only, Masashi Kishimoto_

It was just a normal day for the Akatsuki organization. All of them were in the headquarters doing something. Deidara was playing cards with Tobi and Sasori. They were playing a game of Poker.

"Alright, what you got Sasori?" Deidara asked.

Sasori raised an eyebrow. "I have 2 Jacks, a pair and 3's and a pair of 9's." He replied smirking. "I'll raise 1,500 more yen".

The blonde shinobi glared at the money at the table. "Where does an ass like you get so much money from?" he asked gritting his teeth.

Tobi just looked up and stared at the red-haired ninja.

"WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?" Deidara yelled. The masked ninja swallowed.

"S-S-sorry, Deidara-san. Tobi's a good boy." Tobi then made a sound which could only be described as an eagle with a sinus infection.

"And that's Deidara-SAMA, to you, you one-eyed freak! Don't forget who your superiors are!" Tobi nodded slightly and looked back at his cards.

"Erm...Sasori-sama, Deidara-sama...I think Tobi's won..." The brown haired man said with a grunt. He layed his cards down on the table. Deidara and Sasori looked over. The cards were all Kings. The blonde-haired ninja slammed his fist on the table, and the table exploded right in front of them. Tobi was knocked over, but Sasori however, landed on his feet.

"You lucky bastard! Good thing I made this game go off with a bang!" Deidara was on the floor laughing over this. Sasori couldn't help but laugh also. Tobi looked worried and sat down on the couch in the room. The red-haired ninja stopped laughing.

"Good one Deidara! I'm going now, later!" The puppet master left the room still chuckling a bit.

Deidara got up, and sat on the second couch, and switched on the TV. Tobi sat there twiddiling his thumbs, wanting to start conversation. After a few minutes, he took a deep breath, and said: "Deidara-sama, are you an 'Emo-san'?"

The blonde shinobi looked up. "Excuse me? What did you just say?" The masked-face ninja repeated himself. "D-d-deidara-sama, are you an 'emo-san'?" Deidara, in disgust, picked up the remote and chucked it at Tobi's head. "You little prick! Where did you get that from? Answer me! Unless you want to be missing more then just your face!". Tobi rubbed his head and made that annoying sound again.

"I-I-it's j-just that y-your hairstyle points it out...be-be-because your fringe is covering one eye...and-and, Itachi-sama and Zetsu-sama, t-told Tobi that you cut your wrists, and th-that you lay awake crying because you hate yourself and m-miss your family..." Tobi was now stepping back away. But what he had said was true. Deidara used to cut himself to remove the emotional pain he had, and he did cry at night. He missed his childhood.

The blonde ninja spat at the masked-face ninja. "Yeah? And so what? What about you? You've only got a single eye! I can't believe Zetsu was dumb enough to bring you in! You're not even worthy!" Deidara yelled this so loud, Tobi thought he was going deaf. Deidara then chucked a kunai at Tobi's head, and it hit him. Luckily, the masked-face ninjas mask was quite hard, so it hardly made any blood.

Tobi pulled the kunai out his head. "S-s-s-s-sorry, Deidara-sama, Tobi will be a good boy from now on, honest!". The brown-haired ninja started to twiddle his thumbs again. Deidara just scoffed. "I thought you were a cyclops when you joined. Only a cyclops has one eye!"

Tobi looked away, and didn't notice the kunai he pulled out, had a explosion tag. BANG! Tobi flipped through the air, and landed on his head. Ouch. "Hahahahaha! Now that's what I mean when I say, things go off WITH A BANG!" The blonde shinobi was now killing himself laughing. The masked-face ninja just groaned. _Maybe Tobi will keep his bloody mouth shut next time..._ he thought. Deidara swifted some of his hair back. "Next time you piss me off, I'll make you go BANG louder then a christmas cracker!" He laughed and left the room, leaving Tobi on the floor feeling stupid.


	2. Part II

**The Akatsuki Chronicles Part II: Kisame Is A Fish!**

**Characters Involved: **Itachi, Deidara

Akatsuki © Masashi Kishimoto.

Itachi was sitting down pondering something. Was Kisame a fish or a shark? He wasn't sure of the answer. He looked over the other side of the room to where Deidara was sitting.

"Hey, Deidara. Is Kisame a fish or a shark?" Itachi asked.

Deidara put down the book he was reading. "Excuse me? What kind of a question is that?"

"You heard me, blondie! Is Kisame a fish or a shark? Explain to me..." Itachi stared at Deidara.

"Hey, red-eye! Didn't anyone tell you it's rude to stare? Fine, I'll explain." Deidara got up, and pulled a board down from the wall, and drew a diagram. Left to right, it was a sketch of Kisame, with a sketch of a shark, then a fish.

"Alright, alright, so you don't waste my time, lemme explain to ya! Kisame has a shark-like appearance, which includes the teeth. His sword is also based on a shark. Therefore, sharks are a type of fish. So in all, Kisame is a fish, do you understand that?" Deidara exclaimed.

"Yeah, I do. But it's still confusing me. Shouldn't he live in water?" Itachi retorted

Deidara sighed. "Forget it, you're an idiot."

"Idiot? I'm the one who killed a best friend, and massacred an entire clan, and you call me an idiot? What have you done exactly?"

The blonde scoffed. "Trust me, I've done plenty of things in my life, and killing is one of them." Just then Kisame came in the room.

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked

"Deidara was explaing how you're a fish." Itachi smiled. Kisame eyes darted towards Deidara.

"I'm a fish am I? Well, how about I shave you to death!" Deidara quivered.

"Now, c'mon, Kisame. We're buddies right? We can talk this through right? I was saying how you have a shark like appearance, and sharks are a type of fish and...AAAH!" Kisame 'shaved' the chair Deidara was sitting on.

"Kisame, have mercy!" Deidara ran for dear life, and Kisame chased him. Itachi let out a sigh, and drank some sake out his bottle.

"Idiots."


	3. Part III

**The Akatsuki Chronicles Part III: The Submarine Sandwhich**

**Charactes Involved: **Hidan, Kakuzu

Hidan was in the kitchen preparing himself a submarine sandwhich.

"Ham, cheese, tomato, lettuce, cabbage, cucumber, celery, corned beef, turkey, chicken, mayonnaise and the final thing, ketchup!" He squeezed some ketchup on and placed the top half the bread on top to finish. He sat down at the table, and began to eat.

"Hell, this is delicious!" He took several bites, until Kakuzu walked.

"Hidan, what do you think you're doing?"

Hidan swallowed. "Gimme a break, wouldcha? I'm eating lunch what's it look like...idiot." He took another huge bite.

"C'mon, I've got a load of money, I'll buy us something to eat instead of that shit."

"Damn you, Kakuzu! Is money all you ever want? Money's nothing, now, this submarine sandwhich I'm eating, now that's SOMETHING!" He swallowed again. Kakuzu slammed his fist on the table.

"Is this another bit of your Jashin crap?" Kakuzu sneered

"Don't disrespect my religion! Food's got nothing to do with it! So keep your mouth shut!" Hidan wiped his mouth.

"Money talks, bullshit walks, ya'know?" Kakuzu muttered

"Is that your catchphrase? Cut the crap, and find yourself a girlfriend!" Hidan spat at him.

"Oh lemme guess, you had a girlfriend also? She like sub-sandwhiches also?"

"Shut it, Kakuzu! In fact, she was the most beautiful thing around in my village. And you? What about you?" Hidan chuckled

"What about me?" Kakuzu replied

"Are you gay or something?" Hidan sniggered

"If I was gay." The tall member replied. "I would've admitted it. Now Sasori, he's the gay one. Always buddy-buddy with Deidara. I gotta tell you, they have to be lovers. I bet Orochimaru's jealous of Sasori now that he has a new-" Hidan chucked a glass at Kakuzu's head.

"Shut up you giant freak! You sicken me!" Hidan went back to eating. Kakuzu just gave him the middle finger, and walked away.

"That's right! Walk away! Loser."

"Loser? You're the slowest member of the group."

"Ah shove it up ya ass!"

"Gladly!" Kakuzu stuck his tongue out and walked off.


	4. Part IV

**The Akatsuki Chronicles Part IV: Tobi's Identity!**

**Characters Involved: **Tobi, Zetsu, The Leader

"Congratulations, Tobi-san. You have are finally a member of Akatsuki." The leader's hand stepped out the shadow it was hiding in, and handed over Sasori's ring.

"Yes! Tobi's finally done! Tobi cannot thank you enough, Leader-sama! Tobi will cherish this moment!" Tobi danced around and placed Sasori's ring on his finger.

"Now." The Leader continued. "We have to see whose behind the mask." Tobi shook in fear.

"B-b-b-ut why, Leader-sama?"

"I've made a rule that NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, is allowed to have a secret identity but me!" He boomed. "Now the mask! Take it off!"

"No! Tobi refuses to follow that order!" Tobi crossed his arms.

The Leader grew angry. "Take off that orange mask of yours, or I will withdraw your position!"

Tobi started to make a run out the meeting room, and tried to hide in the living room, but Zetsu found him.

"Zetsu-san!" Tobi cried

"Tobi, I know it's hard, but please take off your mask. It will make us all feel better." Zetsu said softly

"No! I'm too hideous to look at! You can't make me!"

The Leader walked in. "I guess we'll have to do this the hard way." He stretched his hand out.

"Ninja Art: Dark Wind Levitation Jutsu!" He shouted. A gust of black wind appeared out of nowhere, and lifted Tobi in the air. Zetsu reached his hand out, and after tug or two, the mask finally came off, and dropped to the floor. The Leader's jaw dropped.

"Itachi! Get your ass in here now!" Itachi came rushing in, and stood there in horror.

"Do you recognize him, Itachi?"

"Yes, He's one of the ninja that was supposed to have died over 13 years ago. Uchiha Obito." 'Obito' quivered in fear and, started to cry.

"I told you I was hideous!" The wind was dispelled, and he dropped to the floor. Zetsu looked down on him.

"Well, he maybe useful after all. Welcome to Akatsuki, Tobi."


	5. Part V

**The Akatsuki Chronicles Part V: Kakuzu's Riches!**

**Characters Involved: **Kakuzu, Deidara, Sasori

Akatsuki © Masashi Kishimoto

Deidara was snoozing on the couch in the living room, while Sasori was watching some old cartoons. Deidara lazily opened one eye.

"Hey, Sasori." He yawned. "Whatcha watching?"

"A little thing called Tom and Jerry. You would believe how great these old cartoons are! I mean people will be talking about these in future years! Animation don't get better then this I tell ya!" Sasori said cheerfully.

Deidara looked over on the screen, and just saw Tom get hit in the face with a pie. "A cat and a mouse? What were they thinking in those days?" He closed his eye and went back to sleep. Kakuzu then walked in with some large bags of money. He emptied the bag on the floor, which made quite a noise. He started to count.

"1,2,3,4,5,6,7..."

_1 hour later..._

"251, 252, 253, 254, 255, 256, 257, 258, 259..."

_Another 2 hours later..._

"1542, 1543, 1544, 1545, 1546, 1547, 1548..."

By now, Sasori was already on the edge of exploding. "Kakuzu! WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THE BLOODY NUMBERS? YOU'RE ANNOYING ME!"

Deidara woke up. "Geez, Sasori, keep it down. What's up?"

"Kakuzu won't stop counting his bloody money, that's what!" Sasori grinded his teeth. Deidara looked over and saw Kakuzu with the money. His eyes widened.

"Yo Kakuzu! Gimme some of that sweet, sweet gold there huh? C'mon, I need some new clothes anyway." Kakuzu looked up.

"Why should I? I love all this money! And besides, you're gay with Sasori!"

"Excuse me?" Sasori said cracking his knuckles.

"Hidan told me everything about how you to make love when no one else is around, and how you enjoy each others company..." Kakuzu sniggered. Deidara got angry. He made up some clay, and chucked it at Kakuzu. It exploded, and the money went everywhere.

"YESSSSS! MY MONEY!" Deidara started to catch coins as they flew everywhere. Sasori kicked Kakuzu in the stomach.

"How dare you! I was gay when I was with Orochimaru! But I love Deidara also! Come here, ya big lovenut!" Sasori went over and gave Deidara a huge hug.

"Sasori. I don't roll that way, okay? We've talked about this before..."

"Oh thats it. You don't want to be ashamed of your feelings for me. I understand..." He purred, which gave Deidara goosebumps.

"Get off me you, puppet psycho! I'm going to my room!" Deidara caught all the money he could, and left. Kakuzu got up, and rubbed his side.

"Damn, Deidara! Sasori, why are you looking at me like that? Now, please, have mercy!" Sasori summoned several puppets, which beat the living shit out of Kakuzu.


End file.
